Who's the boss?

In case there was any confusion about who the alpha is in the To household...
'Nuff said.

Freaking the Tos out

I lost a tooth last Sunday. No, seriously, I did. And yes, that means puppies have puppy teeth that they lose when they get doggie teeth. This must be a little known fact, because when Joe and Dina found my tooth (which I was rolling around on my tongue at the time), they FREAKED out.

I'm not sure what they thought. That if I had my puppy teeth, my dog teeth would just grow right next to them, and I'd keep all my teeth??? Well, apparently, they didn't think about it. The vet warned them that I was teething, and they've seen me chewing on everything (yes, I'll chew on that shoe, or those plant rocks, or the edge of that table, or this pillow, or even the string on your drawstring pants). But even with the warning, when they found the tooth, they spazzed out. What to do, call the vet, they asked? You idiots, it's a tooth. What you're supposed to do is put it under my pillow, and I'll go to bed, with dreams of finding peanut butter-coated pupperoni under my pillow the next morning. But instead, what do they do? They're so grossed out, yet oddly fascinated by it, that it's here...Sitting on top of the TV in their bedroom.

It's like their panic has immobilized them.

Can't...throw...puppy...tooth...away...Must...keep...forever.

If they're this freaked out over a little ol' tooth, what happens when they spay me? And what, pray tell, will be on top of the TV then??!!

Guest Interview: Dina's thoughts on pet obsession

Dear Readers,

Today, we have a special feature. An interview with Dina, the Mommy portion of my owners. Dina hails from Los Angeles, where she once had a beagle for one day (you'll have to ask my Uncle Davy about that). She suppressed that loss for many years, and has finally returned triumphant, to beagle ownership. Here, I chat with Dina about what fuels her obsession with me.

TicTac To ("T3"): I'd like to welcome you, Dina, to my blog and thank you for taking some time to spend with me talking about pet obsession. I'd also like to thank you for putting peanut butter in my kong on a daily basis.

Dina: Well, thanks. It's good to be here.

T3: I'd like to hear a little bit about your thoughts of pet obsession. That is, when people get pets, why do suddenly normal people became absolutely infatuated with their pets?

Dina: Really it's about unconditional love, I think. Like when I get home, you're all about pet-wagging and face-licking. No matter what my mood is (or frankly, whatever your mood is), you're always happy to see me. Now let's compare that to me and Joe.

When I get home, after having sat in traffic for an hour and a half, I might be a tad bit angry. Usually I'm in a zen place about driving, but when it's raining, these ridiculous San Francisco drivers press on their brakes every two seconds on a clear road, thinking 'that is it! It's raining! We'll never make it home safely!' No, you putz, you won't make it home safely if your dumbass keeps braking every two seconds. So you know, a girl can get worked up.

When I get home, Joe can take one look at me and know whether I'm upset. Believe me, that was learned the hard way. But this is where Joe needs to make a critical decision.

'Do I ask how she's doing? Do I say nothing? Do I retreat to the bedroom to let her cool down? If I do any of the above, what will happen? Oh crap! Nothing I do will be right, she'll be pissed that I talked to her because she's mad, or she'll be pissed that I didn't talk to her because it was obvious that she was mad! Maybe if I just feed her something quickly, she'll be better...'

So you see, Joe has a real dilemma here. And because I occasionally am temperamental, I can't blame Joe for wondering what to do --

T3: Wow, you can be a real bitch.

Dina: No, actually, you're the bitch.

T3: Ah, right. Let's get back to it. Go on...

Dina: Ok, so as I was saying, Joe is forced in that Dina-dilemma (by the way, the right answer to what to do when I'm mad is to feed me immediately). But you, you don't have a dilemma. No matter what, you run up to me, you jump up and try to lick my face, all the while your tail is wagging. Now, how can I resist that?

T3: Yes, but does unconditional love really excuse you dressing me up in sweaters and as Superdog and then creating a blog for me?

Dina: I would say that I'm no more obsessed than other pet owners. I mean, I have a friend who, when she gets home from work, gives an offhand greeting to her kids, and then runs to her dog with a much more enthusiastic greeting. That's not that unusual. And as for dressing you in sweaters, first of all, you're the one that doesn't like to go out when it's cold and raining. We figured a sweater might help you get over that because I can tell you right now, girlfriend, you ain't pooping in the house anymore. As for the blog, there really isn't any excuse. But c'mon, I'm certainly amused by it. Aren't you?

T3: Riiiigggghhht, sure I am. I mean, I guess if I can poop and pee in public, what's the harm in airing my dirty business on a blog. Well, that's all the time we have for today. Thanks again for stopping to chat, and I'll look forward to future guest interviews and posts with you.

Dina: Thanks, now c'mere and lick my face.

Editor's Note: I was not exactly sincere when I said that I was amused by this blog. But you must understand, Dina holds the answers to all my peanut butter dreams. I might be selling myself for a little peanut butter, but it's not just that. Joe lets me sleep in the bed. If I get Dina mad, it's a done deal. Doggie bed city.

Joe & Dina: setting the bar high for 2006

JoeTo:

I finally found out what Joe's New Year resolutions are. They are impressive, they are all about self-improvement, and one in particular will surprise you with the sheer ambition of the goal.

Joe's resolutions:

1. To exercise. That is, not relying on playing hockey once a week, even if he sweats enough for the entire month during that one game. Trust me, he's got the hockey gear to prove it.

2. To watch his appearance. Now, you all may find this superficial. But what this really means is this: a. He will let Dina dress him, which will effectively lead to; b. not wearing the same shirt four days in a row (and yes, that includes work days).

3. To eat better, which presumably is another way of saying 'to slim down' (at least, in girl-speak, that's what it means). But for Joe, I think this means that lunches Monday-Friday do not consist of (and this is an actual list of lunches for Joe): Mon., BBQ joint; Tues., Red Robin; Wed., McDonald's; Thurs., Domino's; Fri., leftover Domino's.

And here is Joe's final resolution. It's ground-breaking. It's earth-shattering. It's Joe!

4. To brush his teeth and wash his face everyday.

Now seriously, do I even need to comment on that? Let's recall the guy is 32, not 3 or 2.

Dina:
Ok, Dina could be worse than Joe. She barely even has any resolutions. She either thinks that she is perfect the way she is (can't be) or that there's no hope for her anyway so why even start trying (likely).

Dina's Resolutions Schmesolutions:

1. To get back to her exercise regimen. The previous wake-up-at-6 a.m.-to-drive-to-work-and-then-work-out-for-an-hour-and-a-half thing fell to the wayside a couple of months ago. I don't think she's planning on getting up at 6 a.m. anymore, but there's got to be some pilates mat class that won't laugh at her when she fails at doing the rolling with your legs tucked in like a frog thing.

2. To order wedding pictures. To scrapbook the past 4 years of photos. To clean the house. To train me to not pee on the carpet. To do some 'spring cleaning.' To reorganize the closets.

What is this, resolutions or a list of errands??? I mean, for crying out loud, there is some room for self-improvement, woman! How about keep in touch with friends better, be more patient, don't yell at me when I'm eating dirt, and stop friggin' playing with my ears. I'm supposed to look this way.

P.S. Incidentally, Joe and Dina each made a resolution for each other. Each time one breaks it, they have to give a buck to the other.

Joe's resolution for Dina: no muttering under her breath or rolling her eyes.
Dina's resolution for Joe: no getting pissed in the car (and that includes honking the horn).

It'll be easier for China and Taiwan to settle on the 1 country, 2 country thing than for these two to keep to these resolutions. But feel free to post a comment to say who's going to earn more money.

My 2006 New Year Resolutions

5. I will no longer be self-conscious of my crazy eye (it is a family trait inherited from both sides).








4. I will try to dress better when I go out, and not mind when Dina does a SWF thing on me (except take out the W, and replace that with Chinese/Cheanglinese).










3. I will keep myself slim by walking Joe often, taking him out for runs everyday.

2. I will stop smoking big-ass cigars.








Any my number one resolution for the year 2006:

1. Would a face like this sniff your poop? Ok, fine. In 2006, I promise: I will step away from the poop.


The next edition of The Tail of TicTac To will feature my parents' New Year's Resolutions.

Answers to life mysteries

Sometimes I wonder why we haven't found a cure for cancer yet. Or why world peace is so hard to achieve. Or where Osama bin Laden is. I'm pretty convinced that if humans put their minds to it, and I mean really put their minds to it, the answers to life mysteries are within reach. So why haven't we found the answers??? What's the delay? I think I know.

Take three Ivy League educated people on a Saturday afternoon. Collectively, they each have at least a reasonable amount of information in their respective fields. Want to know what accounts for an antelope's speed, despite having organs similarly structured to humans? Mike knows. Want to know why the rumored acquisition of Yahoo! by Microsoft won't necessarily run up the stock? Ask Joe. Want to discuss the Fourth Amendment's impact on electronic evidence? Talk to Dina.

But no, on this Saturday afternoon, there will no such discussions. There will be DDR. For the novice, that is Dance Dance Revolution.



Sorry world peace. You'll have to wait. They're too busy trying to clear "Rock Lobster."

What I did on my Christmas vacation

Christmas was spent going to L.A., then to Vegas, then to L.A., then back to San Francisco. On each leg of the trip, I slept. Like, I guess in dog years I'm a teenager now, so that might account for why I could sleep entire days away. Vacation was most excellent. I haven't seen Dina that relaxed in months (ok, I've only been around for 2 months, but still, she was relaxed!); it was obvious she was thrilled to be home with her family. Joe kept working right through year end, watching stocks go up and down, and feeling dollars pushed in and out of his wallet at every turn. I visited everybody's house, and don't you worry - I managed to pee on everyone's carpet, too. They think I pee on carpet because I'm a puppy, but sometimes Dina thinks it's because I might be a vindictive little bitch (pot, kettle, black). Anyway, here are pictures from my Christmas vacation:

I opened presents with Joe & Dina at home first, and created a wrapping paper disaster in the living room.
I met family and got a poo-poo load of attention. Someone should be fanning me with palm leaves and feeding me pupperoni here.

I got drunk and costumed myself up to look the fool. P.S. Joe doesn't usually have a double chin.


I continued to wow everyone with my absolute cuteness. I better enjoy it now because Dina says in a few years, I'll be ten pounds heavier wondering why I didn't wear skimpier clothes when I was ten pounds lighter. Um, hello lady, I'm a dog. I'm always naked. Talk about projection.

While I sit on my furry butt...

This is the kind of stuff that other people do.

Example number 1: my Aunty Deb. Just yesterday, she was sitting in the Roosevelt Room at the White House with the President, Mike Chertoff, Harriet Miers, Alberto Gonzales, and 18 other U.S. Attorneys to chat about the Patriot Act. http://www.nytimes.com/2006/01/04/politics/04bush.html If you look really closely at this picture, you'll see that she's sitting at the table making sure she doesn't have any food in her teeth. While I realize that there is a delicate balance between civil liberties and the government's terrorism efforts, I'm just a dog. So what I really wonder is what kind of fancy kibble is served there and how big exactly is that lawn.

Example number 2: Joe. Joe is at the Computer Electronics Show in Vegas. http://news.yahoo.com/s/nf/20060104/bs_nf/40601 He is gallivanting around Vegas seeing companies, but also seeing friends, eating at fine restaurants, and I bet doing just a tiny bit of gambling. Dina's asked him to check out the ultra-cool Yahoo! booth, that is modeled after Paris Hilton's bedroom (yes, you heard me right). Sometimes, Joe is in Vegas for conferences the same time as the Adult Porn Awards. Last year, he bumped into Ron Jeremy. He was coming towards a corner in a casino, bumped into something, then rounded the corner and saw it was Ron Jeremy.

But don't think that I'm totally boring. I spend most of my day at Puppy Prep, running around like a banshee with other pups. http://sfpuppyprep.com/ Oh, and here's one more shot of me, because really I'm damn cute.

You want to pet me. You neeeeeed to pet me.

Hello. I am TicTac To. I am a beagle, but adopted by Chinese parents, so I suppose that means I'm a cheangle. So I think I'm considered cheanglinese?

Please don't make fun of my name. My mom thought it would be hilarious because of our last name "To." (She really has fun with the last name. She wants to name the next dog "Burry"). But she's just that way because she has a really cool name. Dina Wong. I mean, what's wrong with a name like that? And as they say, Wong's always right. At least, that's how it goes in our house.

But I have to say, my dad's name is even odder. It rhymes. Joe To. When we asked Mama and Papa To why they gave my dad a rhyming name, they said "What, it doesn't rhyme! Joseph To!" Evidently, they didn't hang around many elementary schoolyards back then to know that it wasn't going to take Einstein (one of their neighbors in Princeton) to shorten that name to JoeTo. Or, as my cousins Gillian and Jessica used to call him, Uncle JoeTo. I don't think they knew that it was 2 separate words.

I'm a SCFB (that's Single Cheanglinese Female Beagle). I'm currently 12.5 pounds, I'm about shin-high, I live in San Francisco, California, and I like long walks in the Presidio, candlelit dinners (not too close to my ears, please) of pupperoni and kibble, and licking your face (if you'll let me).

Anyway, this is my first post and it's friggin hard to type with paws so I'll sign off now. But just so you know, I plan to tell you about all the going-ons in the To household in this blog.