We've Moved!!

Woohoo (or is that Woorooooooo for me?)! We moved at long last. I am digging my new, well, digs. I got a backyard all to myself. We are one of five houses in a row on our street that has dogs. In fact, I've already escaped from my backyard once to visit my new next door neighbor Auggie (whose dad went to the same undergrad as Joe, making Joe very very very happy). Our neighbors on the other side greeted us the second day with a lemon cake, which she told us we could freeze for later (you're right, we didn't need to freeze it). AND, I only pissed in the house once (ok, maybe twice, but shhhhh).

Me enjoying Wyatt's new nursery

What the hell, Dad? Why didn't we move here sooner?!

Long-Awaited Musings from Dina

[My guest writer, Dina, has been noticeably absent lately. For those of you wondering why...well, I have no idea why. I think she's too busy eating full bags of baked doritos, thinking that somehow, because they're baked, that it makes up for eating the entire bag. I could be wrong. But I could be right, too.]

Hello folks! I'm back. Probably not long-awaited, but I'm back. I'm no longer on any boring bedrest. I'm no longer a new mom with a major bout of sleep deprivation. I'm no longer a practicing attorney!

What I am is incredibly smart, if I don't say so myself. Or clever. Or sneaky? Poor Joe, when he met me I was a federal prosecutor (even though I never prosecuted anything, but dammit! I investigated a whole lot!). Plus, I was teaching at Hastings (where, in fact, I actually did teach something and can you believe that there are attorneys out there, I mean real-life attorneys, that learned something from me?! Frightetning, isn't it?). But fast forward to today and what am I really? I am almost like those ladies of leisure that lunch, that I use to envy when I drove through Cow Hollow to take Nancy and Erika home from law school. But not quite, because I have the kid. Instead, what I am is a Spanish-lesson-taking, tennis-lesson-taking, personal-trainer-session-taking Mom that no longer generates income, but severely depletes Joe's. Poor Joe. What did he get himself into? I can hear what all of you out there are saying (the sex better be good). Oh, poor, poor, poor Joe.

That said, I have plenty of time now for random musings. So here goes:

- Why do people bother to bag their dog's poop if they're not going to throw it in the actual trash, instead opting to leave the bag of shit on the sidewalk instead? I mean, for real people??

- Why do some moms lose all their baby weight in mere seconds, whereas I continue to have a love/hate relationship with my muffin top (I love muffins, just not over the top of my jeans).

- Are women supposed to wear underwear underneath their gym pants? I'm sort of conservative this way, so I always choose the underwear despite the VPLs. But I can't help noticing how many women don't have panty lines, leading me to wonder "are you going commando or are you actually vain enough to work out in a thong?"

- Why does TicTac bay (i.e., beagle bark) at older men wearing hats? Is this considered racial profiling?

- Why are my best jokes always at the expense of Joe? I mean, I do love the guy, after all! (Ok, in reality, my best jokes usually evolve in conversation with Amy, but I'm really trying not to go to hell).

- Why, exactly, does my carpet smell like pee right now (this question is not really for the general audience, but more for the small beagle who manages this blog)?

- Why the heck does every Chinese girl weigh about 100 pounds, EXCEPT FOR ME. I guess someone needs to sit on them, and that someone apparently is me! My personal favorite is when someone brings me clothes from China sized XL and tells me how it "runs small in China." I usually want to respond, "no, actually, I just run big."

- Why didn't someone tell me that nursing my child would do this to my boobs? People, they weren't all that great to begin with!!

- Why did I care about being part of the Homecoming Court in high school? And one step further, why is it that most of my girlfriends were also on their Homecoming Court or Prom Court? Oh wait!! Does that mean that I'm in the popular crowd???? SWEEEET!

So don't forget to vote for me for Best Smile and Most Likely to Sit on Her Ass and Eat Baked Doritos!

Peace...Out.

The Standoff

Me: So Mr. Wyatt, you ARE going to give me a piece of that breadstick right?

Wyatt: Ms. Ticky Von Beagle, you'll have to wait for my spit-up.

My New Man

Joe left me...for China. He's been gone for almost 2 weeks. And while I might have shed the tiniest doggy tear the first night, I got over it. That's right. First I was afraid, I was petrified. Kept thinking I could never live without Joe by my side. But I grew strong. And I learned how to get along.

What that means, really, is that I found a new man. My (sleepy) Uncle Davy. He walks me, lets me sleep with him, feeds me snausages, and picks up my poop. So ha! Joe, that's what I say to you. You stay there in Asia with Second Wife who makes you homemade pork dumplings that you never bring home for me (or First Wife, Dina). (But if you do stay over there, don't forget to send us our unemployment checks).

But Dina already told me that you're retuning soon. To which I say...So you're back, from outer space (well, really, China might as well be outer space to me). I should have changed that stupid lock, I should have made you leave your key. If I'd known for just one second you'd be back to bother me. (But since you're back, could you please walk me? I really got take a dump).

Still Number One

In case there was any question, I am still Daddy's little girl.

How Did This Happen?

We had a get together for Joe's birthday a couple weeks back. We ate BBQ, Joe got a Star Wars video game, you know, the usual. What wasn't usual was the guest list. Can you see it on my face, thinking 'how the heck did this happen?' Well, truth be told, I wasn't thinking that exactly. I was thinking, exactly, 'how the heck did this happen TO ME???'(I will sort of admit that this is awfully cute. Not like it's a row of beagle puppies with Uncle Jon, but nevertheless, cute).