Long-Awaited Musings from Dina

[My guest writer, Dina, has been noticeably absent lately. For those of you wondering why...well, I have no idea why. I think she's too busy eating full bags of baked doritos, thinking that somehow, because they're baked, that it makes up for eating the entire bag. I could be wrong. But I could be right, too.]

Hello folks! I'm back. Probably not long-awaited, but I'm back. I'm no longer on any boring bedrest. I'm no longer a new mom with a major bout of sleep deprivation. I'm no longer a practicing attorney!

What I am is incredibly smart, if I don't say so myself. Or clever. Or sneaky? Poor Joe, when he met me I was a federal prosecutor (even though I never prosecuted anything, but dammit! I investigated a whole lot!). Plus, I was teaching at Hastings (where, in fact, I actually did teach something and can you believe that there are attorneys out there, I mean real-life attorneys, that learned something from me?! Frightetning, isn't it?). But fast forward to today and what am I really? I am almost like those ladies of leisure that lunch, that I use to envy when I drove through Cow Hollow to take Nancy and Erika home from law school. But not quite, because I have the kid. Instead, what I am is a Spanish-lesson-taking, tennis-lesson-taking, personal-trainer-session-taking Mom that no longer generates income, but severely depletes Joe's. Poor Joe. What did he get himself into? I can hear what all of you out there are saying (the sex better be good). Oh, poor, poor, poor Joe.

That said, I have plenty of time now for random musings. So here goes:

- Why do people bother to bag their dog's poop if they're not going to throw it in the actual trash, instead opting to leave the bag of shit on the sidewalk instead? I mean, for real people??

- Why do some moms lose all their baby weight in mere seconds, whereas I continue to have a love/hate relationship with my muffin top (I love muffins, just not over the top of my jeans).

- Are women supposed to wear underwear underneath their gym pants? I'm sort of conservative this way, so I always choose the underwear despite the VPLs. But I can't help noticing how many women don't have panty lines, leading me to wonder "are you going commando or are you actually vain enough to work out in a thong?"

- Why does TicTac bay (i.e., beagle bark) at older men wearing hats? Is this considered racial profiling?

- Why are my best jokes always at the expense of Joe? I mean, I do love the guy, after all! (Ok, in reality, my best jokes usually evolve in conversation with Amy, but I'm really trying not to go to hell).

- Why, exactly, does my carpet smell like pee right now (this question is not really for the general audience, but more for the small beagle who manages this blog)?

- Why the heck does every Chinese girl weigh about 100 pounds, EXCEPT FOR ME. I guess someone needs to sit on them, and that someone apparently is me! My personal favorite is when someone brings me clothes from China sized XL and tells me how it "runs small in China." I usually want to respond, "no, actually, I just run big."

- Why didn't someone tell me that nursing my child would do this to my boobs? People, they weren't all that great to begin with!!

- Why did I care about being part of the Homecoming Court in high school? And one step further, why is it that most of my girlfriends were also on their Homecoming Court or Prom Court? Oh wait!! Does that mean that I'm in the popular crowd???? SWEEEET!

So don't forget to vote for me for Best Smile and Most Likely to Sit on Her Ass and Eat Baked Doritos!

Peace...Out.